Numb – Part 1

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I have gone back and forth on how to “document” the latest journey through life. I’ve started a play by play and stopped…I thought it was too technical and lacked emotion…then I went negative…and although it was a struggle within…that is not my goal in writing this. I’m so ready to put this burden to bed. To prevent you from glossing over halfway through I am breaking this entry up into two parts.

This entry started over a year ago…with this.

When I reread my blog entry and Sarah’s as well, I think about what I know now and what I didn’t know then…what a difference a year makes.

My world changed on May 10th, 2011. On this day I would be given the decision as to whether I had a job come August 15th. Leading up to this day I was preoccupied with a side of uncertainty.

In the afternoon I received a text from my manager to leave the meeting I was in and report to her office immediately; I thought the abruptness of the text was a bit odd but I didn’t have much time to dwell. The moment I walked in the door I knew. The air was heavy with anxiousness. Her back was to me and I immediately spotted a piece of paper that was turned face down. I was asked to wait for a second member of management to be present. Warning bells went off in my head…this was not how previous meetings went.

I was “formally” told that I was receiving a WARN notice and immediately my ears started ringing and my brain clouded over. I was being talked at by people in the room but all I could hear were the voices inside my head questioning what the fuck just happened and what the hell was I going to do now. How are we going to get through this? How am I going to find another job? The blood, sweat and tears I sacrificed throughout my twelve year career was all for not at this very moment. I just wanted to sit there and cover my ears and pretend it was all a bad dream.

When the “official” one-sided conversation was finally over…I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I walked down the hall in a fog. And the hall grew longer and the end was a black void. I went to my friend’s office and delivered the news. We cried for a bit and when we were both out of things to say I went back to my desk and I sat there…numb.

I had to get out of there. I sent my manager a text and told her I was leaving for the day and I didn’t wait for a response before I was on my way to the parking lot. I called my husband on the way home. I’m not sure what he felt the moment I told him the news and I can’t remember what he said verbatim but I know he was very supportive and reminded me that there was a reason for everything and that we would get through this. Rationally I knew this to be the case but when you are living it…real-time…and have to relive it every minute as if you were stuck in the movie Groundhog Day…I felt less than and questioned every part of who I was.

A few weeks before this all went down the husband introduced me to a new to me band The Airborne Toxic Event (TATE)…my new favorite band. “Numb” is my career breakup song:

I’ve been in a daze
It seems like days that I’ve been waiting
For this dream to pass
It goes so fast
It seems nothing lasts
I think I’ve lost something

Stuck here with these people
While you wake I crush our bodies in one space
I feel your heart blood from my tongue
I wonder where you’ve gone

And the ever turning spinning wheel of people, places
Lies I feel
The restless beat of the sleepless night to come
I just want to be numb
I just want to be numb

Hopeless these three [twelve] years like smoking years
I go from place to place
Just endlessly and half asleep
Like I’m falling alone at some endless breach

I don’t know where I am
I don’t know what I’ve done
I just go over it again and again and again
I can’t sleep at night
I can’t breathe
But If I drink tonight I’ll get you off my mind

And the ever present pit I feel
I’m turning on some spinning wheel
Of faces and the scenes I see
And none of it seems real to me
Just the bleary haze of the morning still to come

I just want to be numb

Both fortunately and unfortunately I was on vacation the next couple of days. Fortunately, I was out of the office and didn’t have to deal with the scarlet letter that I imagined had been branded on my back. Unfortunately, because the following day we were going on a family vacation to Matagorda and I had a hard time being in the present. Poor timing…among other things…sent us home a couple of days earlier than initially planned (but that is for another post).

When I returned to work that following Monday and every subsequent day I entered the gates of JSC I felt a stab of pain. I NEVER thought this would end on terms other than mine.

To be continued…

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