Someone told me having another child was hard and in the back of my mind I’m like how hard could it be, I’ve done this before, I know what to expect, I got this. Well…not so much. IT IS HARD!
There is a reason you forget about the HARD stuff of bringing up children or people wouldn’t do this child rearing thing over and over again. We forget about labor, forget how it feels to go without sleep for weeks or months at a time, forget about the feeling of inadequacy, of feeling totally alone or we remember but think we can overcome all those feelings this time around.
Me, I didn’t have that much labor the first time around but I sure as heck felt it this time and I would still opt for the drugs. (Attagirl for those women who don’t). Luckily my lack of sleep hasn’t gone more than a couple of days and after a month I’m getting acclimated to getting up two to three times a night, luckily the monkey goes back to sleep fairly easy now. The feeling of inadequacy, yes, there are times when I still feel that way, mostly around three or four in the morning when the monkey won’t stop crying and I’ve nursed for 45 minutes and he still wants more and I’m changing diapers left and right and stuff is still coming out of both ends…all at one time. This is when I feel the most alone and frustrated, in the dark in the middle of the night. I have my entire family in the house with me and sometimes I feel more alone than I do when I’m actually alone during the days.
I AM AN IDIOT
I have a super supportive husband I know I can walk downstairs and give the monkey to the hubby and tell him I need a few and he would gladly take over. I have friends that I could call at any hour and they would talk me through it and tell me I’m awesome but I wait it out because in my mind doing so would admitting my inadequacy. Really…would it, no but I do it to myself over and over again. Thankfully the morning comes, I’ve gotten through it and I actually I feel stronger for getting through the ordeal by myself.
Anyone who reads this would think to themselves, or tell me for that matter, that I need to be on meds. Do I? Probably but not for this reason alone. This is part of the new mom stuff is hard and an adjustment to be reckoned with…I’m adjusting and I’m doing ok, pushing through. The hubby reminded me over the weekend this is as hard as it will be and he is right and I think about that repeatedly during those times when I’m feeling overwhelmed, in the dark.
The reason for the most recent rough night was a standoff between myself and the monkey and our sleeping arrangements. Score one for mom…for now, the monkey has successfully moved to the bassinet and is no longer sleeping on my chest. Last night we both were able to get quality sleep and he seems to be on a 2.5 to 3 hour schedule. What a beautiful thing. Right now it is 1:30 in the am and he’s been asleep for 3. hours…of course I didn’t go to sleep because I thought he would be up soon. Score one for the monkey.
Sunday, I embarked on my first solo journey with the boy and the monkey and headed down to Clear Lake to have dinner at Jodie’s house. So not the same as it was two months ago. Jodie made a fantastic southern home style meal, recipes from her family’s regular Sunday dinners. Chicken and rice, squash casserole, fried okra and baked apples. It was YUM-O. She even sent me home with left overs and I proceeded to eat the crap out of those for lunch on Monday. The meal was wonderful and the company much needed. I’m glad I went but dang…it’s work but we will keep at it and is is bound to get easier. It really helps to get back to a routine and do the things I did without a thought before the baby. I push myself to prove that I can do this and do it well.
The boy has made things more difficult this past week and weekend. I believe he is acting out, needing…check that…requiring more attention because of his brother is my guess. School isn’t going great but I believe there are more factors than him acting out. A new teacher is closing in the afternoon and she doesn’t know how to handle the boy and the boy senses her weakness and he’s all over it…he even made her cry (wuss). Don’t think he is a terror because he’s not, he’s smart, manipulative and he will freakin negotiate with you for anything and he’s wearing her down. Not to mention neither myself or the hubby got a good first impression of her. Very abrasive; good grief I can see why the boy is giving her a hard time, I would too!
Off to wake the boy and get some much needed z’s.